i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
