Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
