Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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