TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
