Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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