Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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