Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
