my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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