he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
