I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
