i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
