if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
