I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
