My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
