the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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