i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
