Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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