He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
