i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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