You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
