I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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