i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
