I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm at about main and main street
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
