unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
