Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
