I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
