Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize