1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
