The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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