First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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