My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
