Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
