Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
