Pants 0. Shit 1.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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