Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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