you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
