Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I AM VODKA MAN
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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