Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Plan B is the new Plan A
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
