I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
