Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
