I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I need to sanitize my soul.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
