I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
