I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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