just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
God gave him joint rollers for hands
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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