Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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