the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
