After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
