Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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