Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
