I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My nipple is on Facebook.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I think a kid would responsible me up
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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