I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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