my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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