I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
