Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
