Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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