Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
