I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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