you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
i think my cat just said my name.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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