i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
