I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
